I Don't Know (short story)

Ini dia cerpen yang bikin aku dapet award di FBS award 2013, silahkan dibaca :)

“I Do not Know”

By :  Selma Lady Diana

I am Ruth, 19 years old. I have been sitting here for along time, since the butterfly started  dancing until it had gone to left me be myself . It is not a conscripted to do, I chosed that one. Okey, let me tell you the biggest secret, I can do all thing what I wanna do. Except, of course, if I wanna be God, I must be sunk in Nil’s River right now.

Here everything is started, listen. You do not know anything. Something firstly made me scared is why I had born like this. Brown hair, tan skin, chubby cheek, and blue eyes. They do not know what I am like, but I ever thought I was freak. People chased me, I have no idea at all to decide what they are looked. They are different or even I do. Wow. More, my parents are not resembling of me. Quite different.

“Ruth, why are your eyes like that? Your skin and, of course, you hair. Whats going on?” Sukarti, my classmate, asked me one day.

“I do not know Sue, I know I am different. Maybe I got an abnormality like Albino*. Haha. That is terrible.”

I know well that Sukarti will never believe my foolish answer. Yet I do not care, I lost my mind. My hair is fully dark chocolate. Blue eyeballs, white skin, and also tall body whereas my parents is like others; rather tall, tan skin, chocolate eyes, black hair and so on. Yes, completely correct, I am European. Despite my parents are not really mine, I love them much.

None of my friends act commonly, treating me special. Sometimes respect and the left over despise me. Both, they tickle and hurt. I never thought it caused I am European at all. Every girl got that experience. In short, I should not grumble. Or used to.

*congenital disorder characterized by complete or partial absence of pigment in skin, hair, eyes.

I have been loving this old bridge for a half of my life’s periods. The bridge is  so sexy. It hugs me tight. Hugs my life, my breath, and my soul. There comes grandious rainbow every tears I compose, everymorning. How can? That is not really important.

When I was 9, I did not know anything. I didnot realize who I am. I had a great life. Everything was fine except my self. My appearance, certainly. I begged my mom to bring me to the doctor since I know that different. Was I beautiful? Or the freakest one? Whatsoever.

My mother taught me how to dance Gambyong*. I did it well, my parents so proud of me. Usually, I danced at my home party, but sometimes in front of my dad’s friends when they visited us for our greeting. Thus, I supposed I was marvelous enough.

Days I got my school, I was happy since I met someone like me. He did not think like others. Albeit I was quite difficult, It could have been our unity.  Our happiness came at my 10, brought by Jatmiko, behind my life. We never talked about it, I just gazed at him. I knew he did. I made my private appointment to be his part. What a beautiful childhood. The fact, I never met him again for years without word.

Many times I met somebody cursed me. They shrieked seemingly want to kill me. “Do it now!” I snarled. It was annoying. Mother pulled me in to the carriage and father shot a gun. They cried over. I did not know what my mistake was. It really scared for child like me. “Dorr!! Lungo kowe!”^* shut my father. Mother said that they were crazy. It was amusing me for a while. I realized something queer. Unfortunately, my mother forgot the main part, I have learned alot of thing. I knew who I am.

I was depressed, I run with my only strength. I am sorry, I mean my school uniform. The bridge brought me to the peacefullness. Butterflies flew around as if tried enticing my sadness. However, they will never have been succeed. You knew who I am. I taft like the rock of Gibraltar, that was my purpose. Who was I?

I did ever turn on the light of my life. Where did I belong  to? Everything moved little by little to be realized. I began not having what I had. That was the  time, when I had to stopping go to school. Spending my time with father’s book in our library. The strength was gone. I did not like dancing whatsoever.

I blew the torch off, the main lighting on my room after finishing read. I lie down and thought. Closing my eyes at the time the rooster crowed. In my slept, I went thinking deeply.

“Mom, I wanna go fishing. Could I?” “Of course, Mr Karto  will accompany you. Please do not go too far.”

*  kind of javanese dance **go away!

I run next to the bridge with persuading Mr Karto before I went. I wanted to be alone.

“Mr Karto, would you keep your steps around me? I wanna be alone for a while. I promise to take my self in a secure.”

“Young honest, kanjeng ibu asked me to care you anything happens.”

“Please Karto. Would you be so kind as realizing my appeal? Just once in a years.” I begged him.

I jumped go towards the bridge. I saw the butterflies again. Whoaaaaa....

I played with them up to my soul could not catch me.

“Diajeng, should we tell the truth?”

“I can’t kang mas. Although they try to seize myself, I  will. I see Wening in Ruth. I don’t want to loss my child again.”

“Maybe this is our fate because had killed her parents,”

“We don’t regard these as gratitude, do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

“They have known. Furthermore, political situation is getting worse. Anti Dutchman operation grows quickly.”

“We have moved in a right place. If they find us, this is our destiny.”

“You mean this is our destiny?”

Duerrrrrrr!!!!!!

An explosion shocked village’s resident. Bamboo spear showed its power. Including the old married couple.

Duerrrrrrr!!!!

I felt someone hug me, fell me to the ground and I saw red liquid. Oh God! Jatmiko safe me! He  hurted. He asked me to run fast. I stared his eyes and went home. I looked my home was nothing more than ship’s hold. It was being scattered. I heard people screamed loud and want to catch me. Wanted killing me! I scared. I just got my close call.

I went to the secret downstair and I found my parents. Father with a badly wounded and mom with her tears. “Mom, Dad what is happened?” I was not able to hold my tears.

They were not telling anything except saying really sorry couldnot care of me. I don’t know. Mr Karto came and then brought me to a big container. I was sent to my beginning. Holland.

I lived in Rotterdam which is city with thousands windmills. I spent my time on Louisa Orphanage, waiting a new family. What is the different? I thought it could be better with my javanese family. However, I could adapt new life fast in a good way. Because I had to.

Summer there, I did not know what place was this. Naked people were lying down everywhere. I was anxious with myself. I wanted to wear Jarik and Kebaya, like before. I wanted to run in rice field like before. LIKE BEFORE.  I was crying everytime. I really wanted to go home. Going home. Home.

Once came Mr. Douglas van Buren brought me from Louisa. I like these family, I had new friend who is Jayden. Jayden reminded me with Jatmiko. Sometimes without his cognizance I called him Jat. I was really sorry. Madame Hazel, the only lady on the family was like my mother. She taught me cooking and caring plants. She loved gardening. Inspite of that fact, I was still missing my Hadiningrat’s family.

Many years I had waited, finally the chance came. Buren’s family planned to have a glorious vacation in Indonesia. At the time, Indonesia has got their independence. One by one the memories stabbing me deeply. I was ready to know what i do not know. I was ready. To know, what should I know.

June 1948, years after I had left, finally I flew back to Indonesia. Yeah.. they called it Indonesia. I learned from books on Buren’s library, Indonesia has been grown up. What I saw was what I imagined. In addition, I heard my village as beauty as an opera.

I incited Buren’s to go to Javanese, wherever it was. We went to Surakarta’s Sultanate, they greeted us with gambyong dance. I jumped joining the dance made the whole people being amazed. Surely the Buren’s family, they never did know about my past. The end of dance, I fell to weep.

Be honest, I never receive whatever I got in Holland. Althought I did well  all culture Mrs. Hazel had taught. I can not receive it.

“Neem me niet kwalijk¹. I do not tell you anything about Indonesia and me. But, hartelijk dank²..”

“Hei! Wat zegt U³? We are family. I am really waiting for this moment and knowing the truth in comfort of you.”

“I did, but I can not stay with you.”

“Why?”

“I wanna meet my parents, know what I do not know, and have what I had.”

“Is it possible?”

“I do not know. I am trying. Please.... let me go.” I begged them.

“I will help you get your happiness.” Said Jayden.

“Hartelijk dank voor al Uw moeite.⁴”

The following day, I and Jayden went to Karangprono Village. It took us five hours from Surakarta by car. No contrast when I reached that place. It was same with my last day. Mr. Joko, man who is accompany us became sudden-tourguide, asked to villagers where is Hadiningrat’s family. Someone directed me to the biggest house there. I knew it well! My home!

“Mom.. Mom... I go home mom!”

Old beautiful lady went outside for us. Yeah... My mom, Mrs. Dalimah Hadiningrat, she told me that my beloved daddy could not survive. Also, my Jatmiko, I was not able to say anything. Why not me? It was thousands dark go on me, I knew it would happen. However, I still get down.

These days. I get the key.

1 I am sorry 2 but thank you very much 3 thank you for your kindness

All things never returns although you have fallen to grab it back. I close my eyes for a hope. The only hope in  order to make the happiness back to me is the mainly purpose in life. By the happiness itself goes on. I can do what I want to do. Even European becomes Indonesian, that is OK. Never seeing in what are you but who are you.

Jayden brings me to the second shine I ever met. Now I am waiting for him at the place I had ever been waiting for Jatmiko. Jayden will not come to show him go on, right? I totally trust it.

Let me do not know what I  do not know. Let it stay like this and before. Staying on you whatever happens. I get my present by having Holland blood. Maybe that is the reason why I love to be Indonesian. Because  I  have what is someone like me never have.

It does not important where is my beginning. Furthermore, everything is gonna be change and be fine. Because life must go on, on your faith.

Culture are not always by people in almost same nation. Culture does not bring you but it has you. There comes from the way your heart made. I love Kebaya, Batik, Joglo, Javanese Dance, passive girl, so on. I believe, there are no foreigners and also no beginners. Just the winner drives in purpose.

I am Ruth,  truly white-skin Indonesian. I am the only daughter of Hadiningrat’s family.